9 intense days behind my back. one beloved friend who left, and a great bunch which are thankfully still alive. many late nights. flowers. biking. salty tears. hugs. whiskey. bowling. adventures.
we baked about 200 zucchini pancakes for the funeral. it was our own ‘flapjes fabriek’. i had a very hard time leaving and my bag got stuck in rome on the way back. so here i am, in another reality with no clean clothes but who cares.
somehow, i feel you waited.it was a good time to give in. but now you are gone. i don’t think i can fully understand that, that there will be no more of your wildly written letters in the postbox or that we will never again share our decadently pleasurable dinners. good luck with your transition. to wherever it may go.
funny to be back in a place where you used to live, where most things around you trigger an association, a memory, a little detail from the past. these days it is certainly even more emotional. i enjoy many little things, like riding a bike again, talking-laughing-teasing-hugging with my friends, doing fashion shows with ingetje in the municipal thrift store and eating tasty things.
hebrew words keep popping up in my dutch while speaking, it’s as if my computer got a little virus. but i manage somehow…
and today i woke up from the sun! (to all you swedish folks, stay strong, spring will come!)
if i clime out of the ikea catalog apartment i am staying in, i have a stretch of roof top all for myself. a perfect place to have a cup of coffee and play with the camera while listening to this (it starts happening around two minutes). you can peek at people in their houses. and at the little miniature figures walking down on the street. and dream away.
had a great time performing last night. the frankfurt audience with an average age of 60+ surprised me with their openness and interest. it showed especially afterwards when we had a scheduled talk with the audience.
one more performance tonight and then, countdown for the lowlands…
i already have my favorite café in frankfurt. where they serve amazing poppy seed pies. germany is so different. the energy. the air. the people. it suits me being here right now. i have amazing people around me. and those colorful easter eggs, i seem to have forgotten all about easter.
and tonight i will try to channel all my feelings and thoughts on stage. looking forward to perform. it can be such a good way to get rid of an overload of energy. hugs to you!
i am more on the road than at home. i get to sleep in many different beds. what is home when you are hardly ever there? (home is where the ♥ is) maybe next i will invest in a car where i can put all my essential stuff and just drive around from here to there. i would need to get a driving license though…
tomorrow morning i am leaving to frankfurt and a few days later i will be in rotterdam. parts of my heart is there. this visit will be different. i wish i can cope with it.
bones sometimes has bad hair days. he looks like a teenager in the eighties. who put too much gel and tried to make ‘stubblugg’ as we call it in swedish. and sometimes his breath stinks like something died in his belly.and he is very jealous of other dogs. but most of all, he is simply adorable. it is hard to leave him behind when he gives you the sad puppy eyes of someone who has been very traumatized by being abandoned.
apropos animals, my friend and i had a pajama party last night. she slept in my house and we drank tea in bed, before collapsing. in the morning she left me a sweet note saying i sleep quietly like a bat. never heard that one before.
goodnight says the batwoman.
noa wants me to make pictures of her. she can’t sit still. later, when i show her the pictures, she won’t believe it is her. i wonder how it is to live, without a sense of ‘me’. without all that identification we collected and created in life. same as with the early years in life, i guess death forces us to give up our identity. to surrender to something bigger than ourselves.
i am packing my bag for germany and the netherlands. a few days of rehearsals and performances, and then i will take time for my friends and myself. i am nervous and excited about going, but convinced that it is the right thing to do.
i know i am expressing a lot of sadness on the blog lately, simply cause it is part of my life right now. still, the hardest part is to come. sometimes i wonder whether it is right to write about it here. then again, part of accepting it is just letting it become a part of life.
life is definitely not only sorrow, and the sorrow i feel and the reasons i feel it, also helps me to appreciate all the good stuff i am surrounded by. so, even though i am extremely heavy and emotional right now, i also carry a certain lightness…
today i started the day with a pancake brunch, but no blueberries in mine. four out of seven guests were under five years, so there was also plenty of couch jumping and fingers covered in chocolate paste.
outside it’s 32,5 degrees today, crazy,what happened? i am baking swedish cinnamon buns while enjoying to be at home. this is my song of the day. wish you all a lovely weekend.
surprise sometimes
will come around
surprise sometimes
will come around
I will surprise you sometime
I'll come around
I will surprise you sometime
I'll come around
when you're down
and the second favorite of this month so far. but don’t worry, i also listen to happy uplifting music inbetween….
today i had an ice coffee in the sun. and life continues with all its beauty and ugliness. i am trying hard to learn that things change in life. nothing is for ever. it is as if my body weighs a little bit more with this insight. as if something small, but fundamental has changed within me.
and then of course, the camera is my companion of distraction. capturing little moments of the day. so that we can dwell in the past…thank you guys for your sweet words&comments. it is so much more fun blogging when i know you are out there, somewhere!
eliyah helped me to hang the laundry. she was talking about how she thinks that rice looks a bit like snow. i asked her if she ever experienced snow and then she told me a very ‘plausible’ story how once she walked out when there was a lot of snow hanging on the trees. she didn’t see the snow, and before she knew, it fell on her head, which made her fall into a hole in the ground. then she walked home, all covered in snow. at night, she didn’t take a shower before going to bed, hence she stayed covered in snow. and in the morning, she started to get very, very cold, once the snow was melting around her. when i asked her how come the snow didn’t melt earlier, she told me that she slept all night with the head next to the door…
ah, she is funny my neighbor! and definitely not scandinavian!
